Confessions of a natural mind

Phew...Boys room and holy shit can never be cleaned

She thought to herself as she was cleaning their room. She had been disturbed for quite some time now. Being married for over an year through the institution of arrange marriage, she had had a hard going. First, she had to shift to a new city, for which she had to leave her old job, and now, this new city did not have a job to offer her. Her husband is a successful banker, earning enough money for both of them, but not spending enough time with her. Disgruntled and alone, she had taken up to social networking, meeting up with some old friends and making some new. To get over her boredom, today, she had taken up the cleaning of their bedroom, which though is visited a very few times by her husband, but it takes only those few visits to mess it up.



While cleaning the bookshelf in the room, she came across a neat hard bound diary, which she hadn't seen before. Carefully, she opened the case and turned the first page. It had her husband's name on the first page as title and "My confessions and feeling" as the subtitle. She turned to the next page...

Date- 01-August-2003

Today was my first day at college. I was very nervous and anxious about how it would turn out to be, but fortunately for me it turned to be better than what I anticipated. It is always nice to be in a good college and being surrounded by ocean of intellect. But in this ocean of intellect, I happen to see a pearl. She was sitting on the first bench, and just so that I could gather more info on her, for the first time I took the risk of sitting on the first bench. She is such a beauty that anyone would be forgiven to overlook her intellect. Her name is Karen and.....


Ohh, so he had a crush, he is not heartless after all

She did not read the rest of it, she turned the next page, it had the usual routine college life, boring, she thought to herself. She turned a few more pages until she came across a page mentioning Karen again.

Date- 10th November-2003

Karen is one hell of a female, rather one hell of a liberated female. She is quite vocal about the fact that she smokes occasionally and drinks socially, now, which female would have the guts to confess this to a guy she has met only a few months ago. She is par excellence….

Height of being mesmerized…Why the hell did he ever marry me?

A few more pages of regular college stuff and she stopped again at the mention of Karen

Date- 05th July-2004

I finally enter the second year of my college. I am no longer a fresher, but I do not intend to bully the juniors. Karen is still looking as beautiful as she always looked. I am now habituated to sitting on the first bench. Today she reaffirmed my observation of her being a bold and liberated girl. She discussed the genre of porn she watches. I admit, I was embarrassed, I have never discussed this with guys, let alone girls, she even asked me if I could get my collection for her on a CD. She is the epitome of being independent…..

So this guy watches porn, and if that does not suffice, he discusses it with females, Mom, where have you got me into? I can’t take this anymore; this guy is a pervert and sick…

She now started flipping through pages to nail this guy. She was sure that his fewer visits home meant more visits to this Karen’s place.

Date-13th January 2005

Karen has a boyfriend, Christopher. She will be getting married to him this year after we complete our degree in July. She told me I am a good guy, but she has already given her heart to Christopher, I guess she has been reading my mind off late and hence confessed her feelings before I could confess mine. Christopher is a very successful banker and is already earning Rs 2 million a year. It is only befitting for Karen that she gets a guy like Christopher…


She did not bother to read the rest of it. She was happy, happy in a way devil is when he commits an atrocity. He confessed that he had feelings for a girl, enough for her to make her case and insufficient alibis for him to justify his case. Now that Karen was out of his life, she wanted to know more about the dark secrets of Mr. White collared banker. She turned a lot more pages until she came to the day he first saw her.


Date- 12th December 2010

My experience with Karen had taught me that I need to be successful and extremely successful at that if I am to get hooked to a liberated female like Karen, This is the reason I had been procrastinating my wedding plans. But today I had to give in to my mom’s whims. She took me to Kapoors today to meet their daughter, and for the first time I did not regret giving in to my mom’s whims. I was dumbstruck on seeing her and I could feel my mouth remaining open for more time than it should have been. She is every bit the intellect I always sought the company of. She is smart and suave. I regret that she will have to leave her current job to get married to me, but my infatuation got better of my regrets and I agreed to marry her, fortunately for me, she also agreed.

I cannot believe, he thought so highly of me, then why the hell does he stay away from me for such long durations?

She was blushing for the first time after her marriage to him

Still, his feelings for me doesn’t take away the fact that he had a past with a female called Karen, Look how he started off by taking her name.

Curious to find out what changed him, she turned to the pages detailing their married life.

Date- 02nd September 2011

Hello Mr. Diary, I get heart breaks every time I look forward to a relationship. Kanika was and still is the girl I would love no end. She is intellectual and at the same time blends well with my persona. However, today while she was surfing her mail, she had seemed to forget to uncheck the ‘Keep me signed in’ check box. This led me to her mail box straight away without logging in. I saw a previous chat window already open, it was a chat with her ex-boyfriend(ex obviously coz I am her husband now), they were discussing how I was a thorn in flesh of their love and how they had loved each other so much. I don’t want to be a thorn for anyone, but I don’t have the gumption to separate from her. I will just stay away from her so that she seeks separation and the blame falls on me. I simply want to see her happy, maligning her is surely not on my mind. I only regret, again, not confessing my feelings, leaving it for a little too late.



She frantically searched for next few pages, but there wasn’t any entry after 2nd September, she kept turning pages till she reached the last page of the diary. She could feel tears in her eyes. She was falling short on breath; she could not take it anymore and burst out crying aloud. She cried till she fell asleep. She woke up a few hours later, picked up her mobile and dialed her husband, asking him to come home tonight, come what may. He agreed at once. She regretted how a flow of emotions had made her commit the sin of infidelity, and more so, the pain it was causing an angelic soul. She prepared the best food she could. Decorated the living room in the best possible way she could.


He came home an hour later, but was not surprised to see the whole room decorated, smelling the aromas of the best food his wife could cook. She came out a few minutes later

“I am sorry honey” She said giving him a peck on cheek

“Why ,Sweetheart?” He asked giving a peck back on her cheek

“Nothing, I am all for you, now, and forever. Just come back home daily on time.” She said smiling, but tears in her eyes. " I will be your diary" She added

“As you say your highness” He hugged her

He saw his diary left on the table. He smiled, he had gotten away with it, this mistake had almost jeopardized the whole thing, but it worked nonetheless. He had not realized before planning it, that The year on the diary was 2012


There is no saint out there without a stain on his past. Living in past perfect can only leads to a present tense and future imperfect.

Better sorry than late

"You are no longer a fresher" I said to myself as I entered the bay of my new project. I looked around and indeed, I was no longer a fresher, before I even got my new desk, my "would be" team mates started seeking my help in resolving a few technical glitches,the managers started introducing me to the various teams. However, I wasn't bothered about the technical glitches or knowing what work other teams did. I wanted my desk, I wanted my machine, I had a lot to be done before I settled down, and more importantly I wanted to know or rather see who am I sitting next to.

"Does anyone actually sit here ,Kuldeep?"  I asked the guy seated on a desk next to the empty desk besides me.
"No, not really, there used to be a guy sitting here from a different project, I guess he left the company, some fresher is going to replace him soon" He said with a shrug

"Please God, let it be a girl, No, a good looking girl, no ,a Hot girl, but a girl" I prayed, and sometimes, as I learned, Gods do give you a hearing.

"Excuse me", I heard a soft feminine voice calling me out, " Is it your bag? Can you keep it over the table, so that I can sit on this chair?" I looked up from my screen to see the most pretty girl(yet) in the entire bay standing next to me.

"Hail the Almighty"

"Hey, yeah ,uhhh, sure, Sorry" I fumbled with my word and my bag as I pulled it out of her chair.
"Hey, I think I should ask her name"
"You gone nuts? She did not even say a thank you when you pulled your bag, show some self respect, moron!"  A devil named ego shouted from inside me and I caved in to his roar

I gathered that her name was Jagriti, at least that's what her desk name plate said. She had a simple routine to her day. She would come in at 9 am, put her bag on her chair and disappear with a small hand bag for around 10 mins and come back with a glowing skin and amazingly flowing hair. She would then sit at her desk, to probably check out some mails and after doing this for exactly 5  mins she would then  pull out some meal vouchers from her purse and head for the cafeteria returning only an hour later. 15-20 minutes into her work after coming, she would shout out, "Nareshhhhhhhh, this piece of code sucks, how is one expected to debug this?" This guy Naresh would then spend an hour trying to fix her code, while he would fix her code, she would attend a few calls from her numerous friends(because I never heard the same name appended to her 'Hi' when she answered her call). After the tiring code fixing session, she would go to the break out to get some tea. And after calling out, Suresh and Jignesh to fix a sucking piece of code after lunch, she would sit down, surfing sites which always put a smile on her face, the shopping websites. The way she got engrossed in those sites made me feel that she could (window)shop online no end. And then it was time again, she would pick her small hand bag and storm out again, only to come back 10 mins later with glowing face and flowing hair. She would then pick up her rest of the stuff and leave for the day.

I observed her routine for a month and I was surprised by her dedication to this routine of hers. And yes, once in a while if she ever met my eye, she would give out a broad smile, sending my pulse racing.

"I think it is time I introduce myself"
"You think you are too smart? Has she even tried to introduce herself?"
"Enough, Sometimes, no, always, guys have to take the first step, don't you see how broad a smile she gives me when she meets my eye?"
"Fine, go to hell, do whatever you feel like"


"Hey, Is your machine connected to the printer? I need a print out" I finally spoke to her, one month after fumbling with words
"Yeah, why? Isn't yours connected?" She asked in a MATTER-OF-FACT tone
"No, My LAN cable doesn't seem to be working" I said, a white lie
"Okay, here is your print out" She held out the print out for me, it only had my name in bold letters written on it.
"By the way, that's my name on the print out" I said with a wide grin, priding myself for being smart
"Oh and this is my name" She held out her desk name plate on which Jagriti was written in bold. " I am planning to go for tea" she added suddenly, probably in a care-to-join tone

"Is it a statement or an invitation?"
"Sit tight, moron, don't pay heed to her, she is a fresher, you stop acting like one, don't accept her invitations so soon"


"Ohh Great, the masala tea in the cafe is great, you should surely try it" I said in a it-was-me-who-told-you-first tone.
"Cool", she turned around and left. And while she was leaving I thought I heard her muttering the word 'stupid'.

"Today is my birthday, I will offer her the chocolates at my desk and she would surely demand a treat, I would then take her out to an exclusive restaurant, a date, just me and her"
"Utopian dreams"
"Go to hell, I am not paying heed to your thoughts today"


"Hey, why don't you have some chocolates, it is my birthday today" I extended her a box of chocolates.
"Ohh, Happy birthday" She smiled as she picked up a chocolate.
"Well......" I said, hoping she would demand a treat.
"Ohhh, well"
"Here she goes, Hail Almighty"
"I too have sweets for you, I got engaged this weekend" She said with the widest grin I had ever seen on her face
"Uh-huh, I am on a diet, congratulations by the way" I said, trying hard to hide my disappointment
"And ,I won't be taking a print out to tell his name, It's Akshat" She said giving a hi-five to Naresh who had just joined.

In the following week, she took a long leave of absence, and the next thing I heard was that she had applied for a name change in the company database. Her Facebook profile read her name as "Jagriti Verma Mittal". She returned a month later wearing a bright red Saree and loads of bangles on both her wrists. An hour later, I got a mail from her titled sweets at my desk. I turned to see her opening two boxes of sweets. I picked one up and gulped it down. She looked at me and gave me her regular broad smile. A few hours later, some girls turned up at her desk and spoke to each other intermittently when they got some time off from their giggling. An hour later a few more girls turned up and to the relief of bay, took her outside for some more giggling.
As "Her day" neared an end, she came to me,

"Hey, This is also my last day in office, it was nice meeting you" She offered a hand for shaking. " Also, the next  time I see you, I will surely have the masala tea" she giggled and left the bay for the final time.


"Excuse me, would you please take your bag off this chair, so that I can sit" I looked up from my screen on hearing a strong feminine voice

"Hail the Almighty, circle of life, law of averages!"


"Yeah sure" I picked up my bag from the chair " By the way, my name is Abhishek" I said while extending a hand for handshake.

"I am not going to showcase my bloated ego this time"

"Hey Hi, my name is Khushi" She said, taking my hand
"Do you mind a tea with me?"
"Sure, why not" Way to go, genius! "However I usually have my tea with my boyfriend, do you mind if he joins us?" She said with a smile on her face
"Oh, wait a second, I guess I just got some work, why don't you go ahead"
"Sure, never mind, sometime later" She smiled and started moving
"Do try the masala tea in the cafe, it is rumored to be good out here" I said aloud while she was exiting from the

"Better be sorry, than late" The voice inside me said aloud!

Sacrificed Innocence

"I don't think she should be hearing all this, please send her in" Mom pleaded with my Dad.
"She is a 9 year old girl, and she should know fully about the problems we face" He said, "Come out Paramita" He added in an affectionate but stern tone.

"What can it be about?" I said to myself. "Have I done something which has caused embarrassment to the family? Anindita Ma'am did not even call Dad to school this time for not standing first in rankings at school, neither have I pulled hair of my sister Mishti in a long time". Hesitant and embarrassed, I walked out into the room, having been hiding behind  the curtain and listening to the conversation between Mom and Dad all this while.

"So dear, We have been talking about some family problems here, Your elder brother has suffered a total kidney failure and our farm has not produce any good crop this year. We are in a deep financial problem. We have to arrange for a lot of money for your brother to survive or else find a donor for him" He said with a glim of tear in his eye.

"Can we not buy it from shop? I am sure Banwari would have it, he keeps a lot of things in his shop" I said trying to suggest something useful at least.
"No, we need to find a donor for this" He said in a authoritative voice.
"What is a donor, dad?" Trying hard not to sound dumb.
"Dear, a Donor is someone who can donate one of his kidney to someone who has none"
"Ohhh, then can we not give him ?" I said, trying to sound thoughtfully.
"No, one of my kidney is infected too, I can't give him mine" He said, sounding thoroughly disappointed.

And then suddenly, My Mom started crying profusely. "If we don't get a donor or money, Doctors say your brother will die in 1 month, your brother may not have much time left, pari, not much. And we can't even sell off our land, what will we give in dowry for your marriage otherwise?" and she went on crying. And then I did, what was not expected of me, being a big girl now. I started crying too. Hugging my mom, I could not stop myself from sobbing hard, I could feel the pallu of my mom getting wet from our tears. I felt a hand on my head,I looked back. it was my elder brother.

"Don't worry pari, We will manage" he said with a smile.

That is when I decided, I will find a solution to our problems, I cannot see my mother sob, I cannot see my father so tensed and I certainly cannot let my brother die.

"Dadi Maa, how old are you?" I said, in a lost tone.
"Why do you ask, you have become very ill mannered", She said in a very harsh tone
"Can you donate your kidney to my bro, he will die otherwise, please dadi, please.You are old anyway, my brother has such a long time to go". I said, pleading with all my might.
"You Moron, How dare you shorten my age? I have a long life ahead and I am proud of that. If you want your brother to live, why do you ask me? Go give your own kidney" She said, shouting loud enough for the neighbors to hear. "Girls are always waste of resources anyway, and a burden on family, had you not existed, my son wouldn't have had to worry about your dowry" she added scornfully.

Was I really the cause of all this. Is dowry the gift parents give their daughters at marriage? How do I tell them that I don't want any gift, I will marry a rich guy? Dad told me donor is someone who can give a kidney. Can I not donate my kidney? How does one donate a kidney? and what is a kidney?

"You've gone mad" My best friend Suparna exclaimed.
"But why? I think this is the only way I can help my family, Won't you like to join me? We had promised to stay together always, It won't be tough, trust me" I said, trying to sound convincing.
"Go away, Else I will tell Anindita ma'am that you are disturbing me.

My mom had once told me that when times are bad, no body helps, not even your best friends. She was right. I had always trusted Suparna, and today, instead of helping me out, she thought of complaining about me to Anindita ma'am. So many times I had lied to ma'am to save her from the scale whipping by ma'am. But I am a big girl, I can do it alone, I will handle it all alone.

All things were in place, I cross checked everything once again. As I began climbing atop the stool, I remembered something. I got down and opened my drawer. And there it was. I thought of cross checking the letter. Anindita ma'am would be upset if I commit grammatical mistakes. I began reading...

Dear Mom and Dad,
                               I am really sorry, Because of me you could not save money for buying kidney for brother. I wanted to tell you that I do not want any gift after my marriage, I will marry a rich boy, but you wouldn't listen. Hence I decided to give kidney to brother myself. I had even asked Grandmother as well, but she said, she has a long life to live and cannot give her kidney to brother. I tried to find out ways to donate kidney, but couldn't find one. I tried to use a knife and fetch it out, but I did not know where to start looking inside my body. Hence I have decided to leave it for you to decide how to do it upon me. I guess, to donate something, one needs to die first. Hence I am ending my life, so that finally I can be useful to someone. Now you won't have to worry about brother, he will live long now, like grandmother. You even won't have to worry about my dowry gift as well. Please forgive me for giving you all the troubles.
                                                                                  
                                                                                      Yours Paramita


I realized my mistake, scribbled my name and wrote it below yours. I again climbed back on the stool. More determined than ever. I saw the elliptical rope in front of me. I could see everything through it, it didn't look different. I put my neck through it.
 "Would it pain if I do it this way? Does it pain a lot when people die?"
"Ohh, c'mon, it cannot pain more than it did when i broke my finger,it was so painful"
"Yes, it will not pain more than that" 
I smiled and kicked the stool from under me. I am trying hard to breath, but i am unable to catch any air. It is becoming harder. My chest is aching now. I am trying to get back on stool and stand up, but it has fallen too far. I am unable to use my hands or leg. My whole body had gone numb, I can't feel my body..
"Mom.....Broken finger was not this painful...................................."

This is a real story of Mamphy Sarkar of West Bengal who committed suicide on July 04th, 2011 because her brother had kidney failure and father had a degrading vision. She wrote a suicide note asking her family to use her organs, however a bigger tragedy followed, the note was found by the family after they had cremated her. Her Innocence was sacrificed under the burden of the mortal troubles. This blog is a fictional account of the events, only the premise of this blog is the same, and not the entire story.

God bless her soul.

Click here to read the news item of the above girl