A little over quarter life and the crisis

When I turned 25, I used to smirk at the posts talking about quarter life crisis. And why not? I had just turned 25, and realised that I could now officially consume all kind of liquor in Mumbai(legal age 25). Why feel sorry about it? Why feel so low-brow about it. Two years down the line, I am not particularly going through a crisis, but I think I understand the exaggerations called the quarter life crisis. Let's talk about some of the points mentioned in the famous and forwarded-many-times e-mail. I promise, I will keep it short.

You hate your job and you wonder why you are doing it:

No sir, I do not hate my job. I have a desk job, agreed. I do not go out like the hosts of discovery channel or MTV into the wilderness or the most happening party in town. I also do not get to travel a lot(forget about earning a living out of it). Neither do I make a living out of tasting the best food around the globe. On the flip side, I am not in a hot industrial warehouse, working on a machine,I am also not cleaning the streets(no disrespect to the ones who do, rather they have my respect), neither am I playing a nanny and cleaning child poop. I love driving, and I am driving my own car, not someone else's car. I have got a lot to complain about my job if I compare, and yet, I have got a lot to thank for, if I compare. I am making a living, I am financially pretty much independent and doing some interesting and challenging work occasionally(Yeah, before you raise your brow, I know I am not a scientist).

"You don't have great friends anymore" paradigm :

Over the years, I have been to various institutes and made a lot of friends. There are the school friends, then the high school friends, college friends and then work place friends. Even at workplace, I made friends in various projects that I worked on. I trained a few people in some college as a part of my company's initiative and I made friends there too. Guess what, I am always in touch with the ones who really mattered. I may not get to meet all of them all the time, but when I do meet them there are no awkward handshakes or nervous 'hellos'. It is generally a tight hug and a volley of curses for how fat I have become or how I didn't get them the birthday present. When I meet my friends from school, with them, I am still the person I was in school, not a 27 something, mid tier corporate employee. Your body ages, friendships don't( Disclaimer: not giving a quote there).

The Dating issues:

While in college, approaching an unknown girl was simple, it's either a hit or a miss. Consequences generally didn't matter in an Engineering college, but in a corporate environment, you are more careful about whom to approach(if at all). The 'Indian' quarter life crisis suggest that, it is a bad time to be a single guy, because the girls your age are all committed or getting married. But hey, are these girls not hooked to guys older than them. So stop scanning your age group and widen the horizon, the dating crisis may just be a figment of imagination of a frustrated soul.

 You compare yourself to your peers and family and be sad about it:

Human mind can never be appeased, I certainly cannot be. That is something which keeps us going. Yes, I compare myself to my peers, my family and sometimes I am sad about it. But the fact of the matter is, I don't do it because I am 25(plus), I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. I got really upset when my cousin got an A, and I got A- in kindergarten, but no body said I was going through 1/25th life crisis back then, so why now? Comparison within a peer group is what keeps a human mind to strive for more(again, not giving a quote here), why associate it with an age? And besides, for every more successful 27(or younger) year old person that I meet, I know more than one less successful 27(or older) year old person.

Turning 27: 

Alright, this part of this post has nothing to do with quarter life crisis, but it's important, because this is the reason I wrote this post. I was wondering aloud on Facebook about how singers like Kurt Cobain had done almost everything before they turned 27(and dying), and here I was, only able to talk about them. I also wondered, if it was a devious plan(a-la-Matrix) that some greater force took away all the talented people at 27, which made me more sad, because that meant, I am not talented enough for that greater force. At this point, Shivani, a great friend of mine wrote these beautiful lines.

"You might end up being slow-and-steady and you might end up winning a long long race...

Bottoms-up are not always fun you know...you might end up relishing every drop of life's expensive champagne... u might end up telling loads and loads of awesome fun stories to kids in a neighbourhood park...You might end being the only go-to-guy n know-it-all for guidance on almost any topic related to teenage-quarter-middle-full life crisis situations...coz you know what... you'll see it all...with awesome cinematography, full zoom and in the finest of fine details"

Finally: 

The word quarter life crisis in itself is an improbability. It conveniently assumes that we are all going to live 100 years, for it to be a quarter of live that we have lived. My life will often be in crisis, and I will always be cribbing about it, and at the same time, my life will also be awesome and I will be happy about it. These events, and my age are mutually exclusive.

So much for love

"Why hasn't he turned up yet?"
I think aloud, sitting in my room all by myself. I have been expecting him today, especially today, but he doesn't show up.
"He must be busy with work, you fool, he has a lot of work, unlike you"
I think aloud again, knowing that there is no one to hear me or my thoughts, not even him. But it is true, he works so hard, I understand, he may not have all the time for me in the world. He is an important executive in a big bank somewhere, I don't know much details, but he is pretty important. Sometimes, he goes to work early in the morning and yet never return at night. Of course, I don't stay with him, but such details don't escape, do they?
"Those times...."
I let out a sigh. I did stay with him for a long time, until one night he came home,

"I got a job, with a big raise" He said with a glitter of happiness in his eye. Of course, that glitter made me happy too.
"Wow, that is amazing, when are we moving then?" I said, a little loud, the prospect of exploring a new city showing up in my voice.
"Uh, ermm, I don't think we can move together, it's an expensive city, and for me to make some money, I need to go alone" He rued.
I won't be a burden, I say, but he simply bends down, kisses my forehead and promises to come back and take me soon. I know he means it, and I don't want to be a hurdle in his career, so I reluctantly agree. He did make it big in the new city. He climbed the corporate ladder very quickly for his age and at least now should be the time, he promised he would come back.

"Hush, I hear some footsteps, it's him, he is finally coming"
I am trying to silence my thoughts to hear the footsteps approaching the door, but my heart is racing, and I can't hear anything but my own heart beats. I cannot stop myself. I get up,open the door and shout out his name in the corridor, only to see a stranger passing by, giving me a look, with his lips forming the word 'crazy'.

Embarrassed, I shut the door, run into the pillow on the couch and lay there for a while. My thoughts again returning to him. It was around a year ago, when he had showed up after a long absence. He looked nervous and little jaded. He started,
"I need to tell you something, I am....I got...married" He finally blurts out. His words hit me, pinch me, but I still love him.
"I still love you" I say with a smile and hug him. "Promise me that you will take me with you, I know you can't stay with me any more, but we can be in the same city." I add, trying to empathetic.
"I will continue visiting you" He says, evading my question with a smile.

Still clutching on to the couch pillow, I realize that it is now warm and wet, probably with my tears. But I was warned.
"I am telling you sister, he doesn't belong to you anymore. He won't come for you. He may visit you sometimes out of guilt, but it's not him anymore. He belongs to another woman, let go of him." My sister had tried to explain to me the situation.
"I still love him." Is all I could mutter.

I have almost given up any hope of seeing him today. I reach out for the refrigerator to get some water, and that is when I hear the door bell. I drop the bottle from my hand and rush for the door. I am panting, but it doesn't matter. I hit the couch on my way to door, but it really doesn't matter. I reach out for the door knob to open it, but my vision is getting blurry, and the door is spinning in front of me. I am trying to hold out for the knob, but it is trying to run away from me. Finally I grab the knob and open the door, to see him standing. But I am being dragged down by something, some invisible force. And now I am lying down, I see a frenzied look on his face, everything is getting dark around me.

"I am sorry, I am late, mother" are the last words I hear from him.

Image Courtesy - 1) thewrecking.net

                            2) artsy.net

Let there be (En)Light

A few months ago, before the start of a popular quiz show, its adverts showed a middle aged lady starting a wedding planning company, ignoring the need for knowledge, and eventually, how her business suffers, due to lack of proper knowledge. The advert ended with the host of the show explaining, how there is no age and limit to the extent of knowledge one should posses, as it always helps. The advert sure struck a chord with the intellectuals, and the teacher at my home, my mom, impressed by the advert, also started preaching a similar line. My sister shrugged off my mom, "Whatever".

It was March 29, 2009. We were returning home from an exciting and adventurous industrial visit to Udaipur and Mount Abu(Yeah, apparently BSNL have some cell towers there for us Telecom engineers to check out, which we did, by climbing atop them and clicking pictures). The economist in our group suggested an Auto-rickshaw ride, because individual share in a BEST bus would eventually amount to same cost for 3, as a single Auto-rickshaw would. Surprisingly, without having to strike a bargain, we got into an Auto-rickshaw driven by a humble person(of course, he didn't charge us extra, that is enough for me to brand him humble). Five minutes into the ride, he struck a conversation with us.

"Sir, you all look to be educated engineers, from your conversation" He said in Hindi, accent clearly northern.
"Yes, we are educated, but not engineers yet"  I replied with a smile, while my friends winked at me. Clearly, this man was in an unnecessary awe of us.
"Since you are educated, can I ask you a few questions I needed answers for?" He asked. We were taken aback. Here is a rickshaw driver who was keen for intellect. "Yeah, sure, go ahead"

"What was the name Flight number of the Indian Airlines plane which was hijacked and taken to Kandahar in 1999 ?" He asked, in a tone which suddenly resembled that of an interviewer.

"IC 814?" I replied, with some self-doubt, while my friends looked at me shocked. "That is correct, congratulations, you became the first person to answer that question" He replied, smiling back from the rear view mirror.

"Okay, When did the Titanic sink?" He continued.
"April 12th!" I said jumping in my seat, " Oh no, that is when Jack sketched Rose, it is night of April 14th", I said, correcting myself.
"You do watch movies, huh?" He replied with a smirk.

My friends appeared shell shocked, and were silently cheering me, as if I were playing the actual quiz show, and a million Rupees were at stake.

"Who was the last Mughal king, and how was he overthrown?"
"Bahadur Shah Zaffar, he was imprisoned after the 1857 mutiny, in Rangoon" My friend replied, this time with some confidence.

"You seem to know your history well, can I ask you a question at another level?" He asked and saying 'No' was not an option for me. "

"Suppose you are in a sinking boat with your parents, and you can only save one person, your mother or your father?" He asked in an emotionless tone, with a straight face. And this time, not wanting to be left behind, my second friend jumped in.
"I cannot choose, I will commit suicide" He said, in an obviously emotionally stressed voice.
"So, are you telling me, that when you have an option of saving two lives out of three, you will let all three die?"
"I think, I will save one person for sure at that moment, but I will be sad throughout my life for the other" I replied, trying to gauge the trick of the question.
"I am sorry, but this is a trick question, frequently asked in civil services exams. You are not suppose to answer this question ,simply ask the interviewer to move on to next question, because they want to judge you on the basis of your reply" He said, in a back-to-humble tone.

"Are you a journalist, driving rickshaw by the day, judging the so called intellectuals of Mumbai?" I asked, with a hint of sarcasm in my tone. Clearly, this was way beyond a simple Q&A. A mere rickshaw driver couldn't have driven us to our wit's end.

"I am a rickshaw waala, sahab, sorry if I have offended you, I like having such conversations" He replied, in the humblest tone, since we boarded his vehicle.
"Then, how come a man of your intellect is still driving a rickshaw?" I asked, perplexed, more than ever.
"I am a 10th grade pass out from Jhansi. I ran away after that to make a fortune in this city, and this is my fortune" He said, pointing to his rickshaw. "I always wanted to learn, but could not. Because, I could either learn or earn. I chose the latter. However to make up for that, I often visit scrap paper dealer to buy books which is thrown away by the rich, and immerse myself in those books. It also helps that my wife shares my passion" He finished.

"Well, you could try night school or something" I said fumbling.  "Sir, I need to earn, so that my kids can earn degrees, just like you. So that they will have an attestation to their knowledge, which I lack." He said, his smiling turning into a grin. His reply gave me sudden sense of satisfaction and grief. Yes, I was glad to have parents who could afford my education, yet I was sad for people like him who were not so lucky.

How important is knowledge and the zeal to acquire it? Apparently, not quite. People with a keen interest in some field are often called upon only using the quiz show's life line or when some sort of information is needed, and then thanked with the words "You are an encyclopedia" appended to it. Being branded a geek ,'gyaani' often means you are not welcome in the group of normal people. Do not be fooled by the appreciation you get, because behind every appreciation, is a hidden mockery- "How uncool is he?". A discussion started by you, may often end with somebody pitching in with the lines- "Let us end this boring discussion" or "Let us talk something else" or worse still, very subtly, the topic will be changed, making you a pariah. Sitcoms and other shows often portray geeks as socially awkward individuals, only adding to the popular notion. Somehow, the world seems to have taken the idiom "Ignorance is bliss" at a new level altogether, and quite seriously at that. People cite Dhirubhai Ambani as a person, who created an empire without education, but does that mean, he created a business empire without having any know how of what he was doing, was he ignorant? So again, how important is knowledge and the zeal to acquire it? After my meeting with this rickshaw driver, a lot.

If someone sounds pedantic, he is not being ostentatious. And, if some of the words I used here were a little hard to grasp, I only mean to enlighten. *Wink*   

The Indian life- Evaluated

An average Indian perceives life as a gift of God. The references from Geeta, Quran and Bible on life, act as supporting documentation. And, considering their rise in numbers, atheists considers life as a product of fornication between a male and female member of any eukaryot and the resultant meiotic cell division, or, result of an asexual mitotic cell division in lower species, which is "the wow thing" for them(I guess, being a believer is easy and short to explain!). Any which way, life , and the existence thereof is a source of amazement and awe for us. Because we know that life is important, we spend half our fortunes on quacks who enlighten us with the knowledge of life, salvation and even afterlife.  And for the same reason, used by the crime syndicate and terror organizations to hold us at ransom, to give us grief and sorrow ,and, at times, make us vengeful. But, has life's importance been put at stake only by criminals(of all kinds of course) ? Think again.

The United Kingdom, prides itself on being home to multi-cultural and multiethinic communities, and on the social securities it provides to its citizens. It also understands its responsibility as a global power and being one of the five permanent members of the UN security council, it has sent its troops to Iraq and Afghanistan. It has also been providing aid to rebels in Syria to fight against the atrocious president Bashar-al-Assad. However, 93 years ago, in a small town of Punjab province, Amritsar, near Lahore, a group of Sikhs and Hindus had gathered to peacefully protest the British rule in India. But some Mr. Dyer viewed this gathering as a gathering of extremists, aged 1 to 90. He ordered his troop to shoot down all the terrorists irrespective of the age. Following the orders of their master, the troops shot down all the 'terrorist'. Even by official statistics, at least 500 people died in that incident. The General showed no remorse for his actions and was duly 'punished' by the British government. He was transferred back to Great Britain to continue his remaining service from there. He really got a severe punishment, didn't he?

In 1944, 320 African-American sailors(While reading, remember that Afro-Americans still did not have equal rights) were killed in port chicago,California in an accident, when the munitions, which were being loaded in the cargo, exploded. Such was a hue and cry raised about the accident, that the Navy insisted on giving each sailor a compensation of $ 5000. But since it was pre-Martin Luther era, the senate settled on an amount of $3000 for every dead sailor. The eighteen non-defense seamen who died in the accident, got a total compensation of $390,000, which comes roughly to around $21,666 per person. Some 42 years later, a bigger tragedy awaited the world. The biggest nuclear accident which the world witnessed occurred in Chernobyl, Ukraine(erstwhile USSR). It was a clear 'hollywoodish' case of science experiments going terribly wrong(only that no mutants were produced as a result). The load testing of the reactor, with lack of preparation, resulted in (even by the lowest counts) 4000 deaths and 100 thousands more being affected by cancer or other severe disabilities. A fully functional city(Pripyat, city housing workers and other people near Chernobyl) had to be completely evacuated and deserted. The economic impact on the already messed up Soviet Union was huge, However, even after the disintegration of the union, a compensation of around $10,500 was paid to every single person who was evacuated, along with consistent medical amenities being provided to them all their lives.

While all this was happening in the world, 2 years before the Chernobyl accident, the biggest industrial accident which the world ever saw occurred in India. On the cold winter night of 2nd December, 1984, while the residents of the lake city were in a cozy slumber,  a human error lead to the leakage of Methyl isocyante gas from the Union carbide fertilizer plant. This accident resulted in immediate death of at least 4000 people and injured around 550,000 more. The first thing which happened after the accident was not the relief effort for the affected, but the doubtful escape of the CEO of the company Warren Anderson, right under the eyes of chief minister Arjun Singh(Former HRD minister, who introduced Quotas in IITs and IIMs) and the MP police. What followed for the survivors and the relatives, was an ordeal for justice. 56% of the people got lucky, after struggling for the appropriate compensation, the relatives of the dead got a 'justified' compensation of $1211, while those who were disabled got a compensation of $ 454 in 1992. The rest 44% were yet to be even examined for an eligible payout. The US federal court went on to comfortably quash Indian appeal for a compensation of $3.3 billion, citing archaic laws. DOW chemicals which purchased UCC in 2001, was a proud sponsor of the London Olympics, which India only threatened to boycott, but did not have the will to.

Its not just the dead(Indians) who are given a short stick. You, who is reading this, and anyone around you who uses a foreign product, had his/her life devalued by this world. Some years ago(and some years before that as well), BIS raised the issue of the quality of water being used in manufacturing of soft drinks in India. It found pesticides in the water, which was way above the permissible limit. Amir Khan, of Satyamev Jayate fame, promptly came to the rescue of the said manufacturer by appearing in a TVC, proclaiming the safety of the product he endorses. Some people claim, that the water used in colas is the same water we drink daily, hence we should not have a problem, point duly conceded. However, ask any Indian who is returning from the west, about the difference in taste of the colas there and here, the prompt reply for the Indian version would be that it is way below the western standards. Ask any west returned Indian about the pizzas and burger retail outlet there and here, the answer would be no different than the one given for colas.

Many of you who have read my post this far may come to think that an Indian life is really taken for granted, but really, is that so? Nobody takes us for granted until we allow them to. An Indian life is taken for granted because we move on, we are considered to be the people with great spirit, because no matter what happens, we move on, however, moving on is not a choice, its a compulsion . Try suing a company for faulty product and you will realize that the cost of transportation incurred for travelling to the consumer's court is more than the compensation which you actually get. We forget and forgive too easily for our own good. If we have to make ourselves counted, then stand up, wait, and do not move on until you get what you deserve to. Because, life, as taught to us, was always 'Amulya' (Priceless).

The big fat Indian wedding of convenience

"Please keep quiet!!" My friend said to me, with a very constipated look
"You know, it is a very difficult thing for me to do, still I would want to know, About what?" I replied with a chuckle.
"That you have known Kavita before our marriage was fixed" He said, enhancing his already constipated look.
"Of course, I did not know her before your marriage was fixed. You both fixed your your marriage the day you proposed her" I said, laughing at my joking abilities
"Whatever, also, do not disclose my age to anyone, I am a month younger than Kavita"
"Dude, what the heck? You are marrying your love, and the whole world knows that, why you making me look like a guy from CIA, hiding all the information?" I said, clearly irritated by him
"Apparently, the whole world doesn't know its a love marriage, only our immediate family knows that its a love marriage, for the rest of them, its a marriage fixed by our parents" He said, relieved at his revelations.
"I am planning to lock myself in the room, because among the 500 people who have poured in for your wedding, I do not have a way to know your "Immediate family" I replied with a shrug.

Although, Chetan Bhagat, is a pulp fiction writer, and thrives on spice and not literature, he made a good point in one of his books, that in India, you marry a family, and not the person alone. And when, we have so many people involved, so many people to be convinced, so many egos to be massaged, love and compatibility take a back seat, while convenience becomes the order of the day. Now, convenience for one, can be an inconvenience to other. So eventually, the type marriage is decided by the winner of the bout between clash of conveniences. Let me come up with the possible results in this clash of conveniences.

1) Arrange marriage- For starters, Arrange marriage means, the convenience of parents have won the bout hands down. To explain this concept, it is quite similar to buying a house. When you have the resources(read, a job which pays you well), you show interest in buying a house(read: getting married). For this, you approach a broker(read :Parents). This broker shows you the pictures of various potential investment options. Out of these pictures, you choose one, with strong recommendations by the broker of course. Once you do that, its time for site visit. You visit the site, and if you think, that what was shown to you in photograph, is close enough to reality, you give your nod. This is when, the brokers from both side start their negotiations and arrive at a middle path. And in a few months, ceremoniously(quite literally) you own the house.

2) Love marriage- It stands for everything Arrange marriage doesn't. If you happen to go in for a love marriage, it means, that you have defeated the convenience of your parents hands down. This kind of marriage is not for people with weak hearts. For you need to be brave, to overcome the threats of disowning you from your parents, and you need to have a sustainable source of income, if they indeed disown you. During all this, you may also come across over-zealous neighbours and long distance relatives(the close ones are not talking to you, remember?). They will try to tell you that, Man, is a social animal and it cannot ignore the norms of society. For them, you marrying someone of your choice, will be nuisance to the whole society. You also will have to let go of your ambitions of a big fat wedding and along with that sometimes, the comfort of your parent's home.

3) Arrange Marriage with elements of love- This is the new entrant on the Indian wedding scene. The convenience of parents has won the bout, but to show some respect to the losing team, the pride is restored in some way. Taking off from the broker-marriage analogy, this kind of marriage is akin to saying, the broker showed you a house and you fell in love with and bought it, and not because it carried strong broker recommendation. This kind of marriage has become a source of redemption for many young guys and girls in latest century. They want to prove to the world, that they are independent and that their opinion does matter. But the fact is, they are not independent. So, their parents choose life partner for them, and, almost instantly, they fall in love with each other. They proclaim their love for each other, with the blessings(read: permission) of their parents at every possible place. They fill each other's timeline(for the ignorant, the Facebook wall is now called timeline) with romantic messages and pictures. They would go on dates, but their won't be any good night kisses while dropping the girl back, and neither would the girl invite the guy in, for a cup of something. They would go shopping, but purchase only the stuff their parents think would be required for wedding. And one fine day, they get married, proclaiming to the world and generations to come, that they had a love marriage.

4) Love marriage with elements of Parent's approval- This kind of marriage is an exact opposite of what marriage no. 3. The parents have lost the bout of conveniences badly, and the children, out of respect and love, let the parents call it an arrange marriage. Carrying forward the broker-Marriage analogy, its like the broker claiming that the owner purchased the house on his recommendation and he got his brokerage too, when the fact is that the broker wasn't involved at all. Like marriage no. 3, this too is the latest entrant on the Indian wedding scene. The kids make their decisions clear, and parents decide not to be sore losers(like in marriage no. 2 ) and play along. They strike a deal with their children, to let them have elements of arrange marriage in the wedding. The kids don't mind, as long as they get to marry each other and not get disowned by their parents. The parents, who a few years ago would have been staunchly against love marriage, now start proclaiming to the world, that they are happy with the choices their children made, that they always gave the liberty to their children to decide their life. And one fine day, the children get married, and the parents proclaim, to anyone who cares to listen, that the wedding happened with their approval.

There are many more scenarios and sub-scenarios on the Indian wedding scene, but why so many scenarios? Wasn't wedding meant to be, "Boy likes girl and girl likes boy and they lived happily ever after" affair? Why are there so many egos involved in the coming together of two people? Why, suddenly the opinions and reactions of the till-now-non-existent relatives suddenly start to matter?

Now, people may accuse me of plagiarising Amir Khan from Satyamev Jayate, but I, along with you and many others have held strong opinions on this subject for long. Falling in love, is still a quasi-blasphemous thing for majority of Indians. We have been those hypocrites who cheer for our Actors and actresses since almost a century, when they win their love in movies. But, in real life, we quash the very same thing, right beneath the foot of our ego. It is time, we realised, that wedding is between two people and two people alone. They will be leading a life of at least 30-40 years together. And most of the guests at their wedding, would not either live long enough to see them in good and bad times, or, would not care enough to see them in good and bad times. Wedding should be a bond of love between two people and not a deal of convenience between two parties.

Sooner or later everyone has to decide, So, What is your convenience?

PS- Come to think of it, I guess my friend(The one I had a conversation with at the start of this blog) falls in category three of the marriages.

Confessions of a natural mind

Phew...Boys room and holy shit can never be cleaned

She thought to herself as she was cleaning their room. She had been disturbed for quite some time now. Being married for over an year through the institution of arrange marriage, she had had a hard going. First, she had to shift to a new city, for which she had to leave her old job, and now, this new city did not have a job to offer her. Her husband is a successful banker, earning enough money for both of them, but not spending enough time with her. Disgruntled and alone, she had taken up to social networking, meeting up with some old friends and making some new. To get over her boredom, today, she had taken up the cleaning of their bedroom, which though is visited a very few times by her husband, but it takes only those few visits to mess it up.



While cleaning the bookshelf in the room, she came across a neat hard bound diary, which she hadn't seen before. Carefully, she opened the case and turned the first page. It had her husband's name on the first page as title and "My confessions and feeling" as the subtitle. She turned to the next page...

Date- 01-August-2003

Today was my first day at college. I was very nervous and anxious about how it would turn out to be, but fortunately for me it turned to be better than what I anticipated. It is always nice to be in a good college and being surrounded by ocean of intellect. But in this ocean of intellect, I happen to see a pearl. She was sitting on the first bench, and just so that I could gather more info on her, for the first time I took the risk of sitting on the first bench. She is such a beauty that anyone would be forgiven to overlook her intellect. Her name is Karen and.....


Ohh, so he had a crush, he is not heartless after all

She did not read the rest of it, she turned the next page, it had the usual routine college life, boring, she thought to herself. She turned a few more pages until she came across a page mentioning Karen again.

Date- 10th November-2003

Karen is one hell of a female, rather one hell of a liberated female. She is quite vocal about the fact that she smokes occasionally and drinks socially, now, which female would have the guts to confess this to a guy she has met only a few months ago. She is par excellence….

Height of being mesmerized…Why the hell did he ever marry me?

A few more pages of regular college stuff and she stopped again at the mention of Karen

Date- 05th July-2004

I finally enter the second year of my college. I am no longer a fresher, but I do not intend to bully the juniors. Karen is still looking as beautiful as she always looked. I am now habituated to sitting on the first bench. Today she reaffirmed my observation of her being a bold and liberated girl. She discussed the genre of porn she watches. I admit, I was embarrassed, I have never discussed this with guys, let alone girls, she even asked me if I could get my collection for her on a CD. She is the epitome of being independent…..

So this guy watches porn, and if that does not suffice, he discusses it with females, Mom, where have you got me into? I can’t take this anymore; this guy is a pervert and sick…

She now started flipping through pages to nail this guy. She was sure that his fewer visits home meant more visits to this Karen’s place.

Date-13th January 2005

Karen has a boyfriend, Christopher. She will be getting married to him this year after we complete our degree in July. She told me I am a good guy, but she has already given her heart to Christopher, I guess she has been reading my mind off late and hence confessed her feelings before I could confess mine. Christopher is a very successful banker and is already earning Rs 2 million a year. It is only befitting for Karen that she gets a guy like Christopher…


She did not bother to read the rest of it. She was happy, happy in a way devil is when he commits an atrocity. He confessed that he had feelings for a girl, enough for her to make her case and insufficient alibis for him to justify his case. Now that Karen was out of his life, she wanted to know more about the dark secrets of Mr. White collared banker. She turned a lot more pages until she came to the day he first saw her.


Date- 12th December 2010

My experience with Karen had taught me that I need to be successful and extremely successful at that if I am to get hooked to a liberated female like Karen, This is the reason I had been procrastinating my wedding plans. But today I had to give in to my mom’s whims. She took me to Kapoors today to meet their daughter, and for the first time I did not regret giving in to my mom’s whims. I was dumbstruck on seeing her and I could feel my mouth remaining open for more time than it should have been. She is every bit the intellect I always sought the company of. She is smart and suave. I regret that she will have to leave her current job to get married to me, but my infatuation got better of my regrets and I agreed to marry her, fortunately for me, she also agreed.

I cannot believe, he thought so highly of me, then why the hell does he stay away from me for such long durations?

She was blushing for the first time after her marriage to him

Still, his feelings for me doesn’t take away the fact that he had a past with a female called Karen, Look how he started off by taking her name.

Curious to find out what changed him, she turned to the pages detailing their married life.

Date- 02nd September 2011

Hello Mr. Diary, I get heart breaks every time I look forward to a relationship. Kanika was and still is the girl I would love no end. She is intellectual and at the same time blends well with my persona. However, today while she was surfing her mail, she had seemed to forget to uncheck the ‘Keep me signed in’ check box. This led me to her mail box straight away without logging in. I saw a previous chat window already open, it was a chat with her ex-boyfriend(ex obviously coz I am her husband now), they were discussing how I was a thorn in flesh of their love and how they had loved each other so much. I don’t want to be a thorn for anyone, but I don’t have the gumption to separate from her. I will just stay away from her so that she seeks separation and the blame falls on me. I simply want to see her happy, maligning her is surely not on my mind. I only regret, again, not confessing my feelings, leaving it for a little too late.



She frantically searched for next few pages, but there wasn’t any entry after 2nd September, she kept turning pages till she reached the last page of the diary. She could feel tears in her eyes. She was falling short on breath; she could not take it anymore and burst out crying aloud. She cried till she fell asleep. She woke up a few hours later, picked up her mobile and dialed her husband, asking him to come home tonight, come what may. He agreed at once. She regretted how a flow of emotions had made her commit the sin of infidelity, and more so, the pain it was causing an angelic soul. She prepared the best food she could. Decorated the living room in the best possible way she could.


He came home an hour later, but was not surprised to see the whole room decorated, smelling the aromas of the best food his wife could cook. She came out a few minutes later

“I am sorry honey” She said giving him a peck on cheek

“Why ,Sweetheart?” He asked giving a peck back on her cheek

“Nothing, I am all for you, now, and forever. Just come back home daily on time.” She said smiling, but tears in her eyes. " I will be your diary" She added

“As you say your highness” He hugged her

He saw his diary left on the table. He smiled, he had gotten away with it, this mistake had almost jeopardized the whole thing, but it worked nonetheless. He had not realized before planning it, that The year on the diary was 2012


There is no saint out there without a stain on his past. Living in past perfect can only leads to a present tense and future imperfect.